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THREE HUNDRED FORTY EIGHT
348, 348, 348....
Three hundred and forty eight days...that is how long it has been since Xavier was born. I guess technically I was his mom even before he was born, but anyways...he's been out here in the world, living, breathing, learning, and growing for three hundred and forty eight days! I'm pretty sure that if he could talk in words that were longer than one syllable he would say that most of them have been good. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would say they have been really great. There were a few days that he was sick, several that he was quite cranky and fussy, and a few that were spoiled by my running out of patience and forgetting that nothing he does is his fault...
Maybe that last bit sounded weird. Maybe I should come out and say that there have been a few times when I have not been the mother I aspire to be. I yelled at my baby twice. I was crying while this went on...and it was at a time when I didn't feel well physically and I wasn't being supported by Mike (not because he is a bad guy or anything, but he works really long hours and travels for long periods of time.) Anyways I think Xavier forgives me...the hard thing is to forgive myself.
I think that is one lesson that I am really learning from my son...to live in the moment, and just move on. I wasn't the nicest mommy for about 5 minutes...but then my little guy started crying so I nursed him and everything was better. I have felt so ashamed about those two incidents that I have only talked about them with one person and now I guess anyone that reads this journal. But now that Xavier is almost one year old and I'm reflecting back on his first year, I really think it's ok...being a mom is about learning and growing...so I guess that's just what I'm doing!
Three hundred and forty eight days...that is how long it has been since Xavier was born. I guess technically I was his mom even before he was born, but anyways...he's been out here in the world, living, breathing, learning, and growing for three hundred and forty eight days! I'm pretty sure that if he could talk in words that were longer than one syllable he would say that most of them have been good. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would say they have been really great. There were a few days that he was sick, several that he was quite cranky and fussy, and a few that were spoiled by my running out of patience and forgetting that nothing he does is his fault...
Maybe that last bit sounded weird. Maybe I should come out and say that there have been a few times when I have not been the mother I aspire to be. I yelled at my baby twice. I was crying while this went on...and it was at a time when I didn't feel well physically and I wasn't being supported by Mike (not because he is a bad guy or anything, but he works really long hours and travels for long periods of time.) Anyways I think Xavier forgives me...the hard thing is to forgive myself.
I think that is one lesson that I am really learning from my son...to live in the moment, and just move on. I wasn't the nicest mommy for about 5 minutes...but then my little guy started crying so I nursed him and everything was better. I have felt so ashamed about those two incidents that I have only talked about them with one person and now I guess anyone that reads this journal. But now that Xavier is almost one year old and I'm reflecting back on his first year, I really think it's ok...being a mom is about learning and growing...so I guess that's just what I'm doing!
